Honesty.

How times flies! All of a sudden, it's August, we've gone through the middle of the season and are already looking ahead to just four more races before the winter comes again.

To be honest, the last month or so has been really tough. I didn't quite expect to be quite this hard, but you take the good with the bad - and we have had a few bad races. I think we are finally getting out of the slump - if you want to call it that - which affected us in Toronto, Edmonton and San Jose because, although we didn't have such a good result last time out in Denver, we did at least have a good race.

We learnt a lot and managed to make it all the way through the race, which came as a bit of a surprise considering the last three or four races. I think things are looking up and you have to remain positive. I am still learning, which was the aim at the beginning of the year.

I think it hits the nail on the head to look at qualifying as the root of my problems at the moment. At the beginning of the year, we thought we had an issue with second qualifying and it turns out that I do, if not for any reason other than I can't seem to get to grips with the red-wall tyres. In Champ Car, we have 'normal' black tyres and then we have two sets of 'reds' to be used over the course of the weekend. The reds are supposed to have more grip but, in second qualifying, I seem to be the only person who is going slower on them and not picking up any speed. Everybody else seems to pick up some time, so it is frustrating for me because, in the practice sessions and first qualifying, I don't seem to be too far off on the 'blacks'.

I am normally within half a second of Oriol, which is where I should be right now, but then things start to go wrong in second qualifying and, obviously, when you are so far down the grid for the race, and in these cars that are so difficult to pass in, then it tends to make life very difficult. It is a problem, but we are working through it and, hopefully, we can find a solution.

The Denver race was disappointing because we had a fast car in the first two stints and managed to get by a couple of people. I was right behind Dan Clarke and Will Power, battling with those guys and, after the second pit-stop, came out just behind them. However, I just couldn't stay with them in the final part of the race, which we think was down to a tyre pressure issue. The handling went off for five laps and never really came back to me. That was particularly disappointing because, when you see where those guys finished, third and fourth, you think 'damn, I was right there' until 20 laps to go.

I really thought we had the tyre situation sussed. We went to the Road America test with the red tyres to test, and it was then that we realised I didn't have a second qualifying issue - it was that I couldn't pick up any speed on the reds. Having found the 'problem', we worked with the reds through the test and I really thought I had it sorted and that I was picking up time on them. However, when we went to Denver, it was a different red tyre, because the ones we had at Road America were road course tyres and Denver, of course, is a street circuit. I know a lot of people struggled on the red tyres in Denver, but it just compounds our issue even more.

The DNF in Toronto was very disappointing, and was really the start of our bad period. We haven't had much luck so far this year, but I believe that you make your own luck and I have screwed up a few times too.

In Toronto, it was definitely a failure of some sort because, as I came round the last corner, all of a sudden I was pushed straight into the wall. I didn't take a different line, I didn't do anything differently, so it suggests something mechanical. However, as we were deep into the middle of the at that stage, we still haven't had a proper look at what it was that went wrong. That was a difficult one for me because I am very honest and, if I make a mistake, like I have done in the past if I go off or anything, I put my hands up, I say sorry and promise I will never make the same mistake twice. That one, however, was a puzzle for me because I just drove the same way as I always do and it still sent me into the wall.

Edmonton was good, in that I was faster than Oriol - for half a weekend anyway. We were good and going well and the race didn't go away from us, although qualifying again was a problem. We showed we had the speed and, again, in San Jose, we showed we had the speed as I think I had the second fastest lap time there. It goes to show we are picking up pieces of the puzzle, but it is not all there yet.

However, if we are being honest about things, I need to be honest about 'the San Jose incident'. It was a difficult race, and I got hit by Andrew Ranger when I tried to pass him about three or four laps in. That kind of annoyed me, as I've been hit several times and was getting kind of sick at being knocked around by these guys. They feel they can use me as a bumper car, but the way I reacted that weekend was careless, childish and stupid.

I should have thought about it a lot more and I shouldn't have done anything on the race track, but I was not going to be pushed around anymore. Not far from the end of the race, I went down the inside of Ranger - yes, I was seven laps down - and I thought 'if he gives, he gives, if he doesn't, then I'm not going to worry about it'. He didn't, even though I was much faster than him and he should have let me go. Did I do it on purpose? Yes, I did - because I wanted to prove a point and wanted people to stop thinking that I was such a pushover. I have been driving around trying to keep out of trouble and it hasn't been doing me too many favours, so I thought it was my time to prove a point. Rightfully, I got put on probation for it. Sometimes you make emotional decisions that, in the heat of the moment, are not the right ones. That was probably one of them.

However, if anyone thinks that, just because I have to watch my step over the next few races, I won't be out there giving 100 per cent and fighting for everything, they will be wrong. I think, if it there is contact in future and it is a normal racing incident, then the stewards will look at it and judge it on merit. If it is deemed to be my fault, then we have a problem, but I don't intend for anything like that to happen.

It will be like Denver - keep your nose clean, don't do anything stupid and you'll be fine. If I do something blatantly wrong, then they will take points away, or I will be suspended, but I don't think it will get to that stage. I got put on probation because I admitted to what I did, but I am not in the habit of doing anything like that again. Hopefully, touch wood, I am relatively safe!

The recent run of results hasn't made life any easier in my quest to win the rookie of the year title. Before the Denver weekend, I would have said that I was definitely still in with a good chance, but now I am going to have to rely on things going wrong for Will and Dan, both of whom got unexpectedly good results. I can't really rely on that, so it is going to be tough.

They are both tough competitors, particularly now that Dan has matured over the season. At the beginning of the year, we had our issues, but he has been a bit more sensible and has driven some very good races lately. In San Jose, he was very unlucky. Will, as I have pointed out so often, is very experienced and very fast, so it's a hard rookie of the year contest. Mathematically, it is still possible, but it is really difficult without a little help. I will still aim for it, for sure, but I need things to go my way for it to happen.

Of course, we are getting to that part of the year where there is a lot of speculation about who will be driving where next year. It isn't called the silly season for no reason, and I can only feel about as secure as everyone else probably does. Luckily, we have a new car coming out and new teams coming in for 2007, so I believe that it is the right time to be driving in Champ Cars - whether I am with PKV or someone else.

My contract is up at the end of the year, and the team has an option on me for next year, but whether they are going to decide to exercise that, I don't know. It is going to be a mutual thing because, if I am happy there, then I will stay and, if they want me there, I will stay. If not, then I will look elsewhere. You always want to be in the most competitive team you can, but a lot will depend on how well the last few races go, how much I have improved, how much I have shown that I am worth a place and who wants me. Anything can happen at this stage.

I'm still looking at it as more than a two-year plan. Next year, when the new car comes out, I would like to be on the podium, I'd like to be in the top five or six the whole time, and then, the year after, I want to be winning races. Of course, I want to be winning races right now, but I have got to be realistic.

I had a look at the Panoz DP01 in San Jose and it's phenomenal - I am very impressed with it. It looks good, but there will be room for improvement, especially as the series is determined to keep a lid on development to keep costs down. Every year, they are going to open something up, which should keep the teams happy, and I think the new car will be a huge, huge success. I really am excited about it. There is a real buzz about it and it will provide a level playing field.

Of course, the lower the costs, the cheaper the budget for a ride, which should make it easier to find in some respects. I think it is going to make it a lot easier to budget for and should help a lot of the smaller teams. It is exciting that we have lots of new teams coming in, and I am already pumped up for next year.

Amid all the disappointment and excitement in this column, however, we should remember that there are more important things than motorsport, and we should wish Cristiano da Matta and his family all the best. His was a really scary, freak accident that knocked everybody backwards. Who would have thought there would be a deer on the track? Not only that, but on a corner with a blind crest?

I cannot tell you what impact it has had on the Champ Car community, but everybody has rallied round very well. It is very difficult to cope with something like that because, when you travel the world with these 17 other people and their families - or the extended families that happen to be their team - and something happens to one of them, it is a big big shock. I see more of the other drivers and my team than I do my sister, or anyone else in my family, so it is hard to come to terms with something that freaky.

That is the thing that brought it home for me. As a driver, you know the risks and, although you don't expect anything like that, you know you put your life in your hands. But what it does to your family is just horrible. It is difficult to know how to think and react to something like that. As I said, all our thoughts and prayers go out to Cristiano's family.

Kiki, please push.

Katherine